Hipsters

  You see them everywhere, with their inky black hair all over the place, too many oddly positioned piercings, and spermcount-reducing jeans. I'm all for a little strangeness, but at what point does a subculture based on anti-mainstream become mainstream simply for being so popular with the young'uns? All that to say, they scare the shiet outta me. I was in Barnes and Noble earlier and encountered a pair of them who seemed nice enough but also very fatal, if trifled with. Like the rule that all things that can go wrong will, if there are hipsters are present I will be sans makeup, with my mom, and wearing old pajamas. Still, they sat down right next to me and for the next hour of reading Tank Girl comics, I was afraid to cough lest I be chastised for it because 'everyone coughs, you're such a conformist.'  Dealing with these strange phenomena's  can be dizzying for a beginner, but with these easy steps anyone can become an expert.

  STEP ONE: Smile

You can't lose with this one. Either they'll find your shameless confidence 'dec' or they'll be repulsed by your unenlightened optimism and be forced to retreat to a coffee house.

  STEP TWO: Ask Them Questions

Hipsters believe they are experts on everything and love to share their knowledge with the masses. A few effective starter questions would be: "Why did Death From Above change their name to Death From Above 1979?" or "I just moved here. What's the local sound like?" 

  STEP THREE: Identify Success

If your passes seem successful, you have the go ahead to engage them in conversation which renders them powerless. If you sense the hipster becoming irritated... Get out before it flashes you that little backward peace sign that apparently constitutes a flip-off!

 Last but not least, Why are hipsters so bad in bed?

Because they're always complaining about 7-inches they don't have.