I Just Need a Friend

  Every weekend, I'm in the same position. Especially this weekend. Remember when you would just walk down the street to your best friend's house and watch a movie together? I wonder why that doesn't happen anymore. Now you text someone to see if they want to hang out. You leave them a myspace comment to see if they can come watch Fight Club with you.                                                                                                      Maybe children of the twentieth century knew that kind of innocence. But I'm Generation Y. We are disturbingly callused and affectless. It's hard not to be driven by recognition, when it's all that gets you anywhere now. Hopefully I'll move my kids out to the boonies (when I have kids) to grow up in peace. Anyhoe, I only want someone to watch Fight Club with. 

Hipsters

  You see them everywhere, with their inky black hair all over the place, too many oddly positioned piercings, and spermcount-reducing jeans. I'm all for a little strangeness, but at what point does a subculture based on anti-mainstream become mainstream simply for being so popular with the young'uns? All that to say, they scare the shiet outta me. I was in Barnes and Noble earlier and encountered a pair of them who seemed nice enough but also very fatal, if trifled with. Like the rule that all things that can go wrong will, if there are hipsters are present I will be sans makeup, with my mom, and wearing old pajamas. Still, they sat down right next to me and for the next hour of reading Tank Girl comics, I was afraid to cough lest I be chastised for it because 'everyone coughs, you're such a conformist.'  Dealing with these strange phenomena's  can be dizzying for a beginner, but with these easy steps anyone can become an expert.

  STEP ONE: Smile

You can't lose with this one. Either they'll find your shameless confidence 'dec' or they'll be repulsed by your unenlightened optimism and be forced to retreat to a coffee house.

  STEP TWO: Ask Them Questions

Hipsters believe they are experts on everything and love to share their knowledge with the masses. A few effective starter questions would be: "Why did Death From Above change their name to Death From Above 1979?" or "I just moved here. What's the local sound like?" 

  STEP THREE: Identify Success

If your passes seem successful, you have the go ahead to engage them in conversation which renders them powerless. If you sense the hipster becoming irritated... Get out before it flashes you that little backward peace sign that apparently constitutes a flip-off!

 Last but not least, Why are hipsters so bad in bed?

Because they're always complaining about 7-inches they don't have.

the Hummingator

   So, today I was day dreaming as I often do when trapped in the public school system. This is what happened in my head: the hummingator. Think about it for a second. A hummingbird mixed with an alligator. It'd be unstoppable! Props to Tim Fildes for sketchin' up this beast. The Hummingator would be able to swim and walk on land due to its alligator components, but fly at hyperspeed thanks to its hummingbird genes. 

Even better: a Chuck Norris/giant squid mix. THAT would be truly terrifying. Which do you think would win in a fight?

About

I am a sarcastic, eccentric sexual deviant. Actually, as deviants go, I'm not that sexual, but everyone seems to perpetually think I'm leading them on. On other fronts, I thumb my nose at uptight religious types. Lay off Dita Von Teese, yeah? You people are the reason I quit youth group and replaced it with my now weekly GSA meetings.

hobbies: jumping on my bed, watching RHPS on dvd, enjoying battery-operated goods, playing guitar, playing doctor, writing dumb songs, making cake, stalking